your fear of saying the wrong thing is holding you back from real connection

how fear of judgement hinders our childlike wonder and curiosity

i once read a post explaining how sometimes people hold themselves back from making one extra comment in a conversation. that slightly risky addition you tell yourself is irrelevant, unsure whether to bring up or not. is this saying too much? do they even care ? the internet has made almost any topic a “sensitive subject,” raising the constant question: is this offensive/controversial?

anyways, the post explained that the one extra piece of information you contemplate expressing can often be the golden ticket to forming a connection between you and the person you’re speaking to. you never know if blurting out that tiny extra detail could have resonated or “hit the spot” with someone else. what if they didn’t find it weird at all, but rather endearing?

here’s a story that encapsulates this possibility.

my mom and i were at a little jewelry store on portobello road market in notting hill. a pair of gold hoops with amber beads caught my eye. they were exactly what i had been looking for. the only con—i couldn’t put them on no matter how hard i tried. i called my mom for help. watching two grown women struggle to put on a pair of earrings, the store owner scoffed at us.

“why you need help?” he asked me, eyebrows furrowed.

“she’s a princess. of course she needs my help,” my mom joked, trying to lighten the mood. thus, a conversation began. the man told us he and the rest of the workers from the shop were afghan. my mom was shocked—and excited. as a chinese woman who had spent her entire life in asia, she had never met anyone from afghanistan. she did, however, read lots of books.

“is it really like how they say in The Kite Runner? Or, A Thousand Splendid Suns? What about Malala?” she chirped, intrigued. i was mortified. how could she ask that? even though it came out of genuine curiosity, this question was the definition of stereotyping. if this had been documented on social media, we would definitely be “canceled.” he must think we were oblivious. after going through the five stages of grief, i waited for the man’s reaction. surely he would be angry.

to my surprise, he wasn’t at all. “Maybe 30% The Kite Runner, 70% A Thousand Splendid Suns,” he said. they then proceeded to have a twenty-minute conversation about culture similarities and differences and children. by the end, he told me i could have the earrings for free(he added: “your father is a lucky man” with a wink!) needless to say, i was beyond shocked.

this brief moment in notting hill is something i often look back on. i think of the times that i have repressed my curiosity and interest, out of fear. the extra comments, questions, and relationships i could have made. what if i didn’t let this fear consume me?

let this be a reminder to anyone reading that maybe sometimes, we can try expressing how we really feel, and say what we really want to say.